Of airport bus transfers, a well dressed gay guy and a moron….

The plane journey was innocuous. I slept half of it. Day dreamed the other half. My wife and daughter were sat behind me. Late evening flight, so we just want to get to our hotel and get bedded down for the night. In a previous life it would have been drop the bag and straight out on the town.

Plane lands and as we are at the front we are first off. The annoyance of an Airport connection bus awaits us. Damn things.

We get on and wait for it to fill. Quite a good place to people watch if nothing else.

Couple of lads get on, one about 6’5 and heavy set. About 35. Scruffy. Not your typical holiday maker. His mate is older, even scruffier. Smaller. Thick grey hair.

There is a guy who boards the bus with a really nice suit on. Young guy. 20-21 maybe. Suit is immaculate. In fact he is immaculate. Maybe Hugo Boss I wonder?  The grey haired chap is amused by the Boss wearing guy.

“What is is mate a fucking job interview?”

3 feet away from my 8 year old – classy.

The youngster sighs a reply “No mate just came straight from work”

Grey haired oaf retorts, and in doing so it all makes sense “We are Albion, playing Mallorca tomorrow ain’t we?”

Suit wearer gives a sympathetic smile and says “Oh well enjoy that”

“Are you Albion?” Comes the quick response. I am no CID chief but I have worked out this guy has had a few beverages. I am guessing his holiday started a while before mine.

I feel a bit sorry for the youngster, the coach is still filling up, he doesn’t want to converse, and he doesn’t want to piss off a drunk football fan with a giant as a mate, who bizarrely hasn’t said a word. The mute giant. Or mutant giant?

The reply is short, but there is a tremendous element of incredible self belief about it, cockiness maybe, I drop my head when I hear it for fear off the Albion fans response, but I am ecstatic at the same time “No, I don’t care too much for football, I am here with my boyfriend for a nice relaxing chilled weekend”

There is a stunned silence from Grey hair that seems to last a while. My dropped head now has a smug smile on it. “That’s ballsy, good lad”

The Albion fan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small bottle of red wine and takes a gulp. It’s one of the kind that you buy on a plane. Revolting probably, but this guy is no connoisseur, that is for sure.  He necks the lot. Still no answer. Deep in thought he is. Trying to fathom an answer. Not sure if he is searching for humour. Breath hopefully.

I look to my wife, I don’t think she is really listening, she has arm around our daughter and is seemingly miles away, probably considering our plans for the next few days.

The drunk grey guy makes his next move. He has decided to ignore the suit wearers bold coming out statement, and gets off the coach. But he doesn’t go far. He has  decided to instruct people this is the coach for the airport.

“All aboard, on you get, we are Albion. We are all Albion, on you get”

Are we?

He is pointing to the bus as if people can’t see or know what this huge thing is. The guy has reached cretin status.

The holiday makers smile nervously at him, apologetically almost. In this situation someone would normally use the expression “His mom loves him” but they don’t probably because right at this moment she probably doesn’t.

He gets back on the bus. I notice a drink spillage stain down his top. “Hope thats red wine” I devilishly think, before quickly realising it’s a Star Wars top which wouldn’t be of any value, unless sentimental, and I don’t think this idiot has much sentiment.

He has had a think and now starts with a new change of tactic to piss everyone off even more, he obviously thinks he is funny – at the moment he is the only person in the world that has that opinion

“You know what this is (he refers to the delay) don’t you” he asks no one in particular, he quickly tells us of the answer “They want our fucking passports back, well we are in English and we voted to keep the fucking things”

Not sure if he means the authorities in Mallorca, Angela Merkel in general, in fact I have no idea what he is talking about. I need my bed, it’s 1am and Albion yob is getting political – I think.

He continues like a drunk scruffy Nigel Farage who has been on speed for a week “Well we voted to come out because of tossers like  this, now they don’t like it. Fuck em”

The bus is now full. It pulls away and snakes it’s way to the terminal. Albion man is swaying. Searching for his little bottle of vino.

Never before have I been so relieved to feel a bus move.

Weat Bromich Albion play Real Mallorca at 9pm tonight. Good seats are still available.

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